I came across this podcast and blog post by Change HQ when I was looking for resources for my coach training course. It’s a great description of how the Default Mode Network (DMN) and the Task Positive Network (TPN) work in our brains. There has been a lot of neurological research into ADHD, and the way that our neural networks function differently from neurotypical brains can be seen clearly in scans and other data.
Just to be clear – Angels and Demons do not refer to one network being good and the other bad. Both are vital for us. But the DMN for an ADHD person is both Angel (it helps us with understanding, innovation and creativity) and Demon (it reflects on the past and makes links between experiences). So the DMN can cause rumination, self-condemnation and negative thoughts.
So if you are interested in how your neural networks light up differently and why it’s a struggle to focus on one thing at a time – take a look…
When I was diagnosed with ADHD at 53, the first thing I did was join a lot of forums on social media. I researched the condition and realised that a lot of people get help and support from an ADHD coach, alongside other treatments like medication and counselling. So I trained as a coach and I’ve worked with many clients since then.
One of the difficult things about coaching is hearing that so many people have unhelpful self beliefs and negative perceptions about their value and worth. Many clients have low self esteem and genuinely think they are not good enough in some way. It could be that they are too messy, too loud, too disorganised or just too much.
Whatever some people achieve in life – family, friends, work, love, hobbies, passions – they still believe they are not good enough. Coaching helps people to reframe negative or limiting self beliefs into positive, supportive understanding and self appreciation. We can identify where the mean, undermining messages are coming from and work out ways to turn them into kind, loving affirmations.
We are all good enough and we all have our strengths and beauty. Finding that belief can requires hard work and practice. Developing kind new ways to talk to ourselves and doing it every single day takes commitment. But it can be done, and we really can know in our hearts that we are good enough and sometimes more than good enough.
A few months ago some members of the Swansea Women’s ADHD Network (SWANs) were interviewed by the BBC and ITV in Wales. We talked about some of the traits we experience and the issues we face as adults living with the condition.
‘ADHD in women: It’s like someone tuned in the radio’ – is a BBC feature that explores how older women can find out about ADHD in later life and discover that the condition has impacted on almost every aspect of life so far.
‘Thinking Differently’ is a programme made by ITV about women’s experiences of diagnosis in later life. It talks about the wider context of neurodiversity and there are interviews with a number of women and their lived experiences.
I’ve always said that I can eat when I’m not hungry, or that I’m a comfort eater. When I was diagnosed with ADHD I then assumed that my ability to eat nice things when I’m not hungry is related to impulsivity. But it turns out that in reality I’m eating for stimulation which makes so much sense.
I looked at the pattern of when I eat when I’m not hungry. I don’t eat in the morning which is my high energy time – I’m always busy getting ready for work or the days’ activities. I eat a small lunch – I’m in the middle of working or enjoying my day with friends or family. I have dinner with family or friends and eat fairly modestly unless it’s a special occasion! And then… it’s the evening. My crash time. No work, no energy, no stimulation. Drinks and snacks ensue.
I had such an epiphany when I saw the phrase ‘eating for stimulation’ and noticed my pattern that I had to write this post straight away. I’m not sure what to do about it as the general advice seems to be around calories and exercise. This does not help the ADHD brain who already knows the science of it, but craves stimulation all the same.
Possible things to try include: doing something with my hands in the evening – I’ve already knitted about 3 miles of scarves and blanket squares, and now it’s time to try a new craft. Using fidget toys more often – I’ve got a few but I forget to use them. Asking myself questions – are you hungry or are you looking for stimulation? Giving myself kind and helpful messages – I don’t need to eat – I will enjoy another activity just as much – I can have a healthy relationship with food – I will enjoy this food more when I am hungry!
I don’t like surprises and I get really stressed if I don’t know what’s going to happen. I think that’s why I hate balloons so much – I don’t trust them not to go bang at any time. It’s a bit of a phobia and I avoid balloons if I can which is not that easy sometimes!
I stopped watching television in the mid 90s and it’s taken me a long time to work out why. At first I thought it was because I was uncomfortable with the evolution of reality TV and how people were being exploited for cheap programmes with the promise of fame and maybe fortune. I watched the first season of Big Brother and after that I just stopped watching live programming altogether.
But I’ve realised that the main reason I stopped is because watching TV is too stressful. As time went by shows and movies became more and violent and graphic. There’s more blood and violence, and more graphic sex, drugs and abuse included in programmes which I can’t cope with. It’s not fun or relaxing. As viewing populations have become desensitised over the years, I’ve stayed sensitive.
I miss out on a lot of good television, but I try to watch some things that have excellent reviews and have a big impact. I usually ask someone who has seen the show or film if they can tell me how much blood and violence there is. I try and find the synopsis online on Wikipedia or IMDB. Also I read the book if there is one, then I can make a more informed decision. When everyone was talking about Game of Thrones I read the books instead.
I don’t get to see all the latest shows and movies, but all of these techniques reduce the stress quite well and I can at least watch the shows I’m really interested in.
Neurodivergent people sometimes struggle with personal hygiene. I’ve heard people talk about the difficulties in getting ready to shower, with all the steps this entails. Finding the right soap products, clean towels and fresh clothes. Dreading the process of getting undressed, getting under the water, washing and drying, and getting dressed again. It can feel like a real challenge to transition from one task to another.
Some people find that once they are under the water they really don’t want to come out again. They can easily lose track of time and get lost in the experience, enjoying the sensation of warm water on their skin. This can lead to long expensive showers and baths and a lot of wasted time and money, not to mention lateness, bathroom hogging and feelings of guilt and stress.
Baths can be even more challenging when sitting in hot water can cause nausea and headaches. When we don’t have a choice, bathing or showering can seem like a huge hurdle to overcome. Anxiety, depression and sensory overwhelm can also make the situation worse. I have come across a few tips to help us cope with the routine of getting clean without getting too stressed.
Plan your shower for a relaxed time of day if you can. Slow down and have your clean clothes and towels on standby before you start. Buy affordable soap and products that inspire you and smell good, placing them within easy reach. Make sure the water temperature is just right and you have enough warm water available to you. Some people love a cold shower, or they turn the water cold at the end which can give a boost to the immune system, and help mental health. Set a timer or decide a play list that lasts for the amount of time you need. When the last song plays it’s time to get out.
Personal hygiene is vital for our health and well-being as well as our relationships with family, friends and colleagues. But we can learn new ways of doing things that might seem easy to others.
Do you struggle to get things done, procrastinate and find it difficult to know where to start? It’s common for people with ADHD to avoid starting tasks or worry a lot when they have a job to do which is not interesting, challenging, novel or urgent. See my blog post ICNU – why can’t I do the thing?
We can use accountability to help us with this executive function. Here are a few examples. If I need to do a task, but I don’t know where to start I’ll book a meeting with a colleague or a friend to talk it through. This means I have to start the task because I’m accountable to that person for using their time wisely.
If I need to get something ready, but I don’t have a deadline I’ll create one myself. And if I can create one by agreeing it with other people that really helps. I’ll be accountable to them which will usually make it happen on time. I recently started writing a course but I didn’t have a clear idea about when it would be delivered. I agreed a start date with the participants and then I had a date to work towards being accountable to them.
Some routine tasks can be boring and repetitive. But if we don’t complete it and it impacts on other people who might get into difficulties because of it, this might help to motivate us. Remembering colleagues who depend on us to complete our part of the process can really help to hold us to account. Filling in timesheets, generating reports and getting information to the right people – all these can help us to take responsibility for our tasks.
ADHD is sometimes associated with Tourette’s which is a condition whose symptoms include tics. These tics can consist of swearing which is the common perception of Tourette’s syndrome. However swearing is quite rare in Tourette’s and is by no means the only form of tics. People with Tourette’s can exhibit involuntary twitches, movements and sounds which they have no control over and can be very embarrassing.
As a person who loves swearing I can’t help wondering if this is related to Tourette’s though. Using a fruity curse word gives me a sense of satisfaction and I find I can really express myself. Some say that using curse words shows a lack of imagination, but I have a first degree in English Literature and I would argue that swearing can be super creative and straight from the heart.
I’ve had conversations with many ADHD people over the years and lots of us hide our true sweary selves when we first meet. But gradually the facade falls and we start to reveal our real selves, dropping the odd F-bomb into the conversation to see how it lands. When we see that the other person is like minded, we can take the mask off and feel comfortable being authentic in our language.
Obviously we have to be professional at work, mindful with family and appropriate in our relationships. But when we find our people we can be who we really are, and that sometimes means letting go and using the heartfelt words and phrases that really say what we mean. Swearing can be liberating.
Nothing makes me more happy than rearranging the furniture. I think I get a dopamine hit from the novelty of the new layout. Lots of people mention this compulsive furniture moving and I know my grandmother did it too. My group of ADHD friends often laugh about the odd things we have in common and we are finding new things all the time.
Several women in the group are into DIY and it’s brilliant listening to them comparing power tools and describing their projects. A lot of us also crotchet, knit and make patchworks – making things with our hands seems crucial even if the object doesn’t get finished. Perhaps the process of making and creating with our hands is more important than the finished product.
Military history – anyone? A couple of us found a mutual interest in this traditionally blokey subject and it got us thinking about gendered interests and how as ADHD women we often find that we have more in common with our male friends. I’m involved with a group of wood working craftsmen for example – and I mean MEN. Very few women get involved in wood craft much as we try and encourage them.
If you feel out of step with your friends and family, not fitting in and not interested in the same things – maybe that’s ok. You might find a new circle who share your odd interests and strange hobbies. Join a club, sign up to a forum – you are not alone.
During a conversation with a couple of other ADHD coaches, we realised that all three of us are really good in a crisis. When an emergency happens our minds clear, our focus becomes intense and we know exactly what to do. We can organise our actions and direct people around us to get the situation under control.
A few years ago I was driving with my son towards a zebra crossing and I was in the process of slowing down for a lady to cross. Coming towards the zebra crossing on the other side of the road was a blue hatchback. It was approaching too fast, but the lady started crossing the road expecting it to stop. It didn’t stop and she was hit by the car, going up on to the bonnet and then rolling under as the car braked.
All this happened in slow motion right in front of us like a movie. We were in a city with a lot of traffic on a busy road. I flung open my car door and ran over to the blue hatchback which the lady was under, telling my son to dial 999. The front wheels were actually on her, so I opened the car door and got the driver out. I leaned in and released the handbrake, pushing the car back and off the lady. I don’t know if anyone helped me push, but it rolled back easily.
The lady was still conscious and talking so I put the driver’s seat cushion under her head and asked the people who had gathered to stand around her so no traffic could get close. I had blocked the road with my car, so when everyone was safe I moved it to get the traffic moving again. In the meantime my son had called the ambulance and police and when they arrived I told them everything that had happened and they took control. After that I don’t remember anything.
I shared this story with my colleagues and they talked about similar experiences of intense focus and purpose in an emergency. Apparently we have two networks in our brain – the Default Mode Network (DMN) and the Task Positive Network (TPN). When NT people are doing a task or focusing on something the TPN is active and the DMN is not. And when they are resting their DMN is active and the TPN is not. But in ADHD brains the DMN remains active when the TPN is active. So we are distracted, day dreaming, unfocused and being drawn away because both networks are active at the same time.
Buddhists and others meditate in order to put thought and self to one side. When they do this their DMN activity slows down, so they have neither task or rest based neural activity and peace is achieved. When people with ADHD get into an emergency situation our DMN activity also slows down and our TPN can get on with the job. So in a crisis we become like monks.
